I want to be able to say the right thing to myself.
The questions people ask me that I never answer, i need to write down and answer.
I'm mentally hungry. The same hunger you get for not eating for a day is in my mind and chest. I need earth. Grass. I need to bury myself in sand or drop into an ocean. I need to get my feet stuck in mud or float in some quicksand. I need to understand someone. People seem to understand me. Or do they? How can I know if I don't even understand me. I need to understand people. Need to make someone feel better. Heal them. Need that good energy coming back.
It's a drug. The good karma you get back. I see that now. Momentary pain relief, relieving others. Keeps you happy for a bit, but it fades when you don't take care of yourself first. Do we need to rely on events to make ourselves happy? Why can't we create the events? But I do. and I'm sorry.
Words. I need more words. More knowledge. How can I explain a feeling when i don't have enough words? How can I comfort if i comfort through hugging and it makes the other uncomftorble? Or do i not comfort that way? Do i just want to hug because i need something to hold onto?
I sing in jibberish, random melodies that spring into my head. I lie down in the grass and slide in and out of hallucinations and imagination and wonder where my morals are. I want to dance but pray eyes aren't watching. So close to freedom and yet so far. I need a yard to grasp the earth and a fence to keep eyes away while I do so.
When I'm a old maid hippie in a bungalow with a failed business and a fence around my fence, I'll send you all a pretty postcard of a house that isn't mine.
"True happiness can only come from within. It cannot be given, even as a gift. To feel as you wish with free will, even though you may feel sorrow is worth infinetely more than a heart filled with empty joy."-Belldandy from Oh My Goddess (wicked manga)

My day was so long. But I can sum it up in a few sentences.
I woke up hungry and thirsty. I ended my day full and still hungry.
Doesn't make sense to the common eye, so I'll splain myself.
Up. We (meaning mom, self, and Isabelle) tried to go to the zoo. Rain rain rain. Museum instead. Saw ultra interesting swords, deep and moving art. So many paintings I saw today had perfect sunlight. It felt so real. Asian art was as emotionally jerking as usual for me. The crystal ball they have there (Bout the size of a basketball, pure untainted quartz) is mind consuming. I witnessed the weird affect asian statues have on the mind. When I entered the temple section there were other people there. I immediately grew angry, not just because of their presence, but they were being disrespectful, making faces at the art and crap. Heres the thing about buhdist statues. Their faces change. It takes awhile of looking, but they have expressions. And right then they were angry and I knew it. I waited for the others to leave and I sat in the temple. Right on the floor. The museum guard was gone somewhere. I stared into the eyes of the buhda resting above me on the steps to the altar and apologized. I immediately felt like I was being watched by every statue in the room. Slowly, they were smiling. I left them smiling. I felt so happy. That filled one of my thirsts, and yet i needed more.
By the way, i adore functional art. Swords, rugs, chairs, anything previously used. I look for stains. Wine on a carpet, sweat on clothing, blood on a sword..they tell a story.
Later I went to Ryans. Isabelle stayed home to rest. We played w/ sticks :-D. I met his lizard for the first time. Intriguing little girl. Also spent some quality time w/ wafflez or however it may be spelled. Ate pizza. Discussed things. Had an interesting encounter w/ Hassan and Merideth, who were handing out easter bunny flyers for something where Meredith was the easter bunny. A dinner maybe? *shrug*
Anyway-Kate Fenerty's party :-D o my lord. I can't even describe that one. Hilarious. Locked in the basement with a load of crazy ninth graders including Noel and Kat and Danielle + 16 year old from upper dublin + Isabelle + Soda + Trash bags = PURE MAYHEM. The funniest crap involving Isabelle and the 16 year old dude (mike) is a story that you need to tell in person w/ voices and crap. It was so freaking hilarious. The party kinda started w/ a faut rumble thing using pillows, a beanbag chair, and a rubber chicken. And soda. And Ice. Isabelle threw a lot of ice. At seperate times kate was ductaped to a chair and a pole. Mike got makeup and glitter put on him. We kinda accidently viewed some V questionable videotapenage. Erhm certain organs shouldn't be viewed that profusely *ahem*.
I was feeling cuddly. My personal restraint and hormones had a brainwar and settled for lying down (PLUTONICALLY!) next to John on the couch. Grrr. I feel greasy now. Ten showers. Why do i do this? It didn't seem like a bad idea at the time. Now i'm like "WTF hannah!!". Erlack. Pre-Beltane fever has begun.
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.-Roseanne

I'm starting to realize why i prefer hanging out w/ guys.
Things seem so much simpler. You don't have to monitor what you say. Just speak your mind. With girls, you need to be so stingy..make sure you aren't offending, make sure you are saying the right thing, or talking about the wrong person. You can just say it. And if you offend a guy, most times you can apologize and it will be over. Once guys figure out i'm not a typical girl who will take everything and hold it in my mind for so long, i can hear their thoughts and its so interesting. I understand why my groups of friends are so diverse and weird. I just find people interesting. I am curious. Why do people commit crimes? What makes people angry? Why are girls so cliquey? I want to learn about peoples minds and the way we are, so i hang with all the bitches and saints to round my life's education. And u know what? I love and hate and blah every second of it. At once. That's why I make friends w/ my enemies. I start by trying to figure out why they hate me, and end up making sense of the situation. Social chameleon. I don't know how i put up with me.
On a different note I'm going to tell a story of tonight in steps.
1.Seder w/ poreccas.
2. Walter and Nick P. ask me and Isabelle to come with them to their friends house.
3.Friends house is pothole apartment above a pizza place in glendside.
4.Nothing to do, so friends drive like maniacs around a parking lot in walters car and stand on the roof.
5.Walter's friend jumps on car and nick floors it.
6.Windshield breaks.
7.Walter drives me and Isa. home.
8.We win several oscars. Best Picture-"We came outside and the windshield had a big fucking crack in it". Actor-Walter as distressed Motorist. Actress-Me as his sister. Supporting Actress-Isabelle as the confused exchange student.
Isabelle did a good job. She wasn't even a little confused and she managed to pull it off V well.
"Dude, I saw a cat right there like three times."-Me unintentionally hallucinating in walters friends apartment. No drugs. I really thought there was a cat.

Day. Not sad, not happy, not blah. Right now I appear to be existing. Comes w/ tiredness i spose.
School was what it was. Isabelle was in new york, so i was alone again. As alone as you can get in school anyway.
I didn't eat dinner. I think I'm gonna heat up leftover hibatchi once im done blogging and blog-viewing.
Had a builder's club meeting and came home. I needed to leave my house immediately. Not sure y. Called sage. He was babysitting Chloe. She sounds cute. Sage'll make a good father eventually. Then I called Ru and we decided to hang out. I walked there from my house. On the way I saw more motorcycles than squirrels. 4 squirrels. 5 motorcycles. I galloped the last three blocks. A drunk guy yelled at me in a car because I was wearing the hat. I'll use that as my quote. Me an Ru went to Dan's house and hung around there and messing w/ swords and deathrays and talked about death. Talk about death mellows me out. Not sure why. It just seems comforting to know that you get to start over or just end completely.
"HEy! You goin fishin? You could use that thing for fishn, put hooks in there an a fishn liscence.."-Drunk guy in car on my hat.

Aha!
Finally got my pictures developed. Rockathon, Peace Vigil, and Walter's show. Good stuff man, good stuff.
Ellie is going out w/ Ben Jaye :-O I have officially dubbed her Benswitcher. Her boyfriend she had immediately before was also Ben. Ben Roscoe. Hrm. I have a picture of them eskimo kissing. To burn or not to burn..
I have a funny pic of abe. Not as funny as that one I got of Hassan at bucca de beppo, but pretty damn hilarious. I think i'm going to carry it with me. Abe=teh sex.
Tonight=Japanese food & Mini golf! Woot. Life is halfway decent.
77 on the math quiz :-D!! I totally thought i was going to fail. There is a test tomorrow that I WILL fail. But I don't really care cuzz i got the rest of the year! Tralalalala..
Vaca coming up. Isabelle leafing on sunday. Party on friday. Passover on thursday. Saturday=breaking class and not a lot else. Monday. Hurm. Nothing. Je suis libre. I need to dig up some plans.And sunday afternoon for zat matter. Isabelle leafs at 12:30.
Katelyn has webbed feet!
Kat and Brit are awesome and I am going to link their blogs to mine.
"First you have a lobster, then you have a magnet. Lobster! Magnet! Lobster! Magnet!"-Song of the day courtesy of Molly Rose.

Time for a list of random thoughts i couldn't work into a paragraph.
Figured out that Noel was Melissas sister. Took me what, two months? Known Noel for year and a half Melissa for like..two..maybe three months? Did not know Noel's last name, but even if I did I'm sure it wouldn't have clicked.
Sage called. Wish i could have talked longer but tae kwon do beckoned. Apparently he swung by my house on saturday and I wasn't there. Oops. I was in New Hope, ehe. Wish i had more time to telephone people.
Everybody's comments server is DOWN! I'm going into comments withdrawl.
Isabelle is V happy now. She was homesick B4, but we cheered her up through walter and brian kelly's kooky antics and slurpees and other various things. We had a cookout. mmm. hot dogs and hamburglers. She tried a slurpee for the first time! She lurves it. She attacked me w/ my boxing gloves from my tae kwon do gear and was like "You wanna fiGHT?". V funny w/ french accent.
I need to meet Melissa and Dee in person cuz I only seen a picture of Melissa and I haven't the slightest clue what Dee look like. For all i knows he could be like six feet tall w/ a red fro. J'en sais pas.
I can do a full split now! My flexibility is off the wall. Well, that part is. Chris has a flexible crotch :-D! Don't ask.
Chris was getting some stuff out of the first aid kit for a little kid today and i was looking at the stuff in the kit and I was like "You know, you could replace all that crap with one roll of ductape". He laffed and gave me a funny look. Oo he's shexy.
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."-Tiger Woods.

Eyakkk!
Blerf don't really know what to say.
Yes I do. I continued thinking about the whole thing with girls being horny and stuff. That's what I am beginning to call a negative equality issue. For instance, girls are the minority in things like snowboarding and surfing and such. But they get the attention because they are girls. But when you have something like a rapists, girl rapists are also the minority, but theres no attention paid there. Whatsoever. Guys are the typical rapist. When someone says that, no one questions it. But when people say guys are the typical surfers, computer execs, scientist, doctors, ect, ect, theres always someone willing to challenge it. It's because it gives your sex a bad name if you say Hey! W'ere drug dealers too! Or a guy says Hey! We do prostitution! Not as much, but we do it! Guy cheerleaders get noticed, why don't guy prostitutes get the label? Why can't we work the phrase "He looks like a whore?". Thought for the day.
"Bananna Hammock!"-Scrubs. Guess you had to be there.

Stomach STILL lurching. Hate lurching.
Science quiz 2morrow unprepared to the max. I feel like failing a few things anyway. I got until the end of the year to make it up i figure.
So tired.
Yesterday. New Hope. Funness. Molly came w/. She got scouted for a modeling agency :-D they said they liked her look. Teehee. That made me feel reaall good, you know, standing next to her being all ignord and all..j/k molly. That would suck if she was like my older sister or something and that happend. Or younger sister for that matter. I could see that happening to Laura and Marley..aha j/k Marley..or Laura..take ur pick.
Today. Saw a show. Ate at a fancy-ass restraunt. Steak turning on me. Coated in pepper. Fun show. Called the little prince. Symbolisim to the max.
U know, i was kinda joking when i responded to Sages comment, but that topic bugs me. How guys can say they're horny without a blink of an eye and if I get even close people are like O.o ooo but ur a girl! That means ur a slut right? Only sluts get horny? Ur horny? Go be a slut! Bah. The line between a horny girl and a slut is judgement, morals, and the amount they care about what other people think. I have a lot of personal morals but i don't care what other people think. The result: MEESA HORNY UNSLUT! X-D bahahahahhahahaaa (koff)
"The native americans say it's a death omen when the sky is black."-Me in the car last night. Think. Night. Sky.

Stomach lurching. Good word aint it? Lurching.
Argle.
Angry w/ self. We set up this whole thing where isabelle could watch a movie last nite and i could finally do my homework. What do I do? Freaking fall asleep at 7:30. Woke up at 3 realizing what happened and tried to set alarm so i got up early to do homework. Oho, what happens now? Isabelle wakes up pretty damn early. So i'm down here V silently trying not to imply that I am awake. Little hint darling..we wake up around 9 in America..no breakfast or human response b4 9..sheesh..
"There are 9 words for poop and only one word for love."-George Carlin