What Is Your Animal Personality?
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Truer words never spoken.
I want to see everybody so badly. I want to see all my friends as much as I can.
I was very tired today. I had my two dance classes and was prepared to sleep for the rest of the day. But my friend from awhiles back that I never see (Megan) and her mom came over. I had to play hostess again for a few hours than I felt like. I didn't do too good a job. I was meaner to my mom than I should have been for no apparent reason. I need to apologize, I feel like crap now. Me and Megan were watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail and I fell asleep. erhm. They left with me still comatose on the couch. I went up to my room and fell asleep until 8. My parents were gone and a girl was over w/ walter when I woke up. They are here drawing. Nothing more. My parents said they'd bring me food but I'm not really hungry.
I need to see Dr. Cydell. I hate appointments with a burning passion. I need to see her NOW.
Going to New York week after next. Can't wait. I need a nice long vacation in a busy city right now. Location change. I could enjoy living almost anywhere. But I would very intensely enjoy living in a city when I grew up.
I'm looking forward to college. I love my friends, and I don't want to leave them. Ditto my family for the most of it. But I need a location change. I need to start over from scratch in a new place, create a new world for myself. Cut myself off from everyone so they don't know where I am, and I can build a new reputation and world.
"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive."-Elbert Hubbard.

O. MY. GOD.
That goes in the book of "best partys I ever had". So much fun. And all the cool people I never get to see, except Sage who was in some boring city out in the middle of nowhere (Boo-stan? Bahstone? Name slips my mind) but he was there in spirit.
So neway, Melissa, Alison, Neil, Almeda, and Ru ALL came over my house. We had pizza an watched Rocky Horror an Ru held a couple o boards that I snapped in half an I modeled my formal dress (Period here? Getting all runny onny). Events not quite listed in order but they all happened. I heard Ru laugh more than I have in the entire time I've known him. Just a couple of rabbits!
Alison played some beautiful piano music downstairs. I really love it when people play classical in our house, because I never get to hear it and it's so fufilling. I've grown up on a very hefty diet of Jazz, which is good but sometimes It lacks the same substance. Theres a really good mix of sounds that runs together and washes over you in so many kinds of classical piano.
My bird was loved by all. Unless Ru has something against animals crapping on him ^_^.
Anyway, good times. I really want to go to the high school even more than ever. The school portion of it can bite me, but I want to see everybody more often. I loff you all!
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds"-Albert Einstein.

Decent day. My spirit is not intirely intact as it has been in past years, due to the knot (a more condensed and less expressed version of Ryan's wisp), but the Wiccan fire running in my blood dulled all my other senses today for momentary relief and a cleaner mind.
I started my morning early. Or late rather. I meant to get up at 4 30ish to distribute as much flower crud as humanly possible. But I woke at 5:45. Heh. O well. I still got sunrise. I washed my face in the dew, leapt over a candle, and set off barefoot into my deserted neighborhood leaving notes and flowers. Then I got home and collected my things and set off for school. Mental image-flower skirt, pink shirt, flower scarf around shoulders, flowers covering backpack, flowers in hair, flowers in basket on arm, flower temp. tatoos on arm. Yep, I was ready for school.
I got called a number of things today, but none of them were openly negative! Hippie, pretty, cute, flower child, Queen Elizabeth..
Anyway, school drained me of some of my spirit quite sadly. I was happiest when I was walking in the hall and people were going "hHAHAHAHAHHA" or "Awwww that's so cute!" or "Who are you?". That was a good one. I said "Hannah" although I should have said "God" or if the person was mean "your mom". Ooo "you in the future" would have been cryptic. But I didn't say it, so lets move along..
I HATE MATH! But some kids nose started bleeding during class and it formed this pool on his chair that was dripping off the chair and he had to run to the bathroom and he left a trail of blood from 119 to the bathroom. That was pretty funny, although it shouldn't have been. I've just been in a really grisly, malicious mood lately. Even on the floweriest of holidays.
English was awesome. I gave kennedy a flower because shes an awesome lady. I loff her.
Went to leave early to go to make hoagies at the senior high only to find our school locked down for some mystery box in the police annex (??QM??) and the after school activities canceled. So, Kate Fenerty's funny grandparents gave me a ride home. They were like captain slow and madame easily-agitated and hyper. Captain slow (grandpa) was driving. Katelyns grandma was freaking hilarious. I'll quote her at the end.
I went off into Beltane ness. I skootched past Ru's house (hehe Ru, checked ur mailbox lately? ^_^) and went to Rita's. I ran into Marla Fisher and Mom-of-Marla Fisher and they gave me a ride to my bus stop! Yay! I hitched the bus to jenkintown and proceeded to run around and realize all of the delis were closed (??QM again??) so I hitched by the drugstore and got some really crappy pound cake deals and amazing root beer.
I ate my "dinner" on a sarong next to the best titled sculpture in the garden (Hannah's Horizon ooo). I worked on my wire sculpture. Then I packed my stuff up and walked back to where the lake is in Alverthorpe park and dazed off while staring at that for awhile. My peace was only interupted momentarily because some geese were fucking REALLY LOUDLY in the lake. Jeesus, that was so funny. I nearly cried. Although we prally sound funnier to the geese. It started to get dark, so I started walking back. Off the path between Alverthorpe and the sculpture garden, I spotted some tower looking thing on my left. I didn't know what the freak it was. I thought it might be that solstice tower thing, although I could have sworn that tower was thinner and somewhere else. I cut through the woods to investigate. I came upon a huge thick collumn-wall thing made out of stacked newspapers, with no paths leading to it. In the middle of the woods. It was obvioiusly placed by a sculptor, but it was still weird to see that in the middle of the friggin' woods.
I walked to the bus stop, feeling my mind very clear. I knew I was still knotty on the far inside, but I could deal with that thought and be calm for the time being.
The bus picked me up, dropped me off, and I walked home. I saw a skateboarder fall on his face. I am now here.
"Get the ball! Damn Crickets!"-Kates grandma when some lacrosse kids dropped a ball in the road in front of us.

Lordy lordy lordy.
Curse of the M teachers. Mishel, Marinello, and Malis are making me sick. Marinello is cool if he is teaching gym, but he don't know CRAP about health! I keep having to correct him. I don't want to hear him say penis all rapidly anymore. He's like "This is a penis! That's a penis! Over there-another penis!" I'm like " You're a penis, penishead. PENIS!"
That's todays sex ed rant.
BELTANE
BELTANE
BELTANE!!!!!
Ooooo sundown tonight, can't wait! (Hey sun...SET!!!). By the by, all those links are different so your brains can get all Beltane afied. Wear flowers or knock somebody over and kiss them tommorow. I will be up at 4:30 running around distributing some interesting notes in people mailboxes. Then I'm gonna pack some dinner after school and hitch offta alverthorpe and stay there until it gets close to dark and I need to get the next bus home.
But first-should you be after school for some maniac reason over at the high school, I will be invading your cafeteria @ three to make hoagies w/ the key club. O whoopee. More hoagies. The excitement is killing me. But in the weird instance that you should be hanging out, look for the walking, talking flower bouquet.
BELTANE! WHEEE!
"agahkahhgghhh"-I saw master kim chop me in the throat.

The new hannah sutin model 666-jam packed w/ hate!!
My math teacher. Death on him. I aced his quiz, I did his seat work, I tried to do a free write on the back and he TAKES it from me, READS it, and then accuses me of not applying myself X-O I FREAKING DID EVERYTHING! RRrrrrgggggghhhhh. I need to ask to move my seat away from next to his desk. We hate eachother and need to be separated. Nobody reads my freewrites without my permission! DAMNIT!
I also hate appointments. Dr Carol Cydell. A sweet, wonderful lady WHO NEEDS TO CLEAN HER SCHEDULE UP! I feel selfish now. I need to talk to her. This past week has been so painful. Theres a weight in my chest that won't leave. I need it to go away. I need to feel like I did before.
I have a bright star in my week. Beltane. Glorious, beautiful, carefree Beltane. Thursday. A day where I wear sandals, flowers, and go nuts. A day where I can freaking absorb all the sun, rain, crap, or whatever is falling from the sky. I can live on Beltane. This week I haven't been living. This week I've been falling asleep at 8 with my clothes on and contacts in, not doing any homework, laughing at pain.
That's my mood. Then theres my day, which was better.
Went to abbie's thrift w/ molly. Worked $7.50 into a skirt, a shirt, some shoes, a bunch of fake flowers (FOR BELTANE) and a fan. Molly bought pants, shirts, shorts, and the Alladin soundtrack for a similar price. Go abbies go! We then went to her house and I got a decent dinner of beef stew and biscuits (good hannah-here's a biscuit!) and watched more delicious Yaoi. Don't ask about the Yaoi. If you care enough, you'll find out on your own. Then you'll be upset that I called it delicious.
I haven't much of a life anymore. I hate school this week and forever maybe. I haven't talked to a lot of people. I want to talk to dad, but first I need to eliminate mom. Not literally, but she needs to leave the house for a few hours so we can talk.
Thursday, come quicker. I need your druglike energy. Beltane..wonderful Beltane..
"I fall a lot. That makes girls identify with me!"-Me on Lizzie Maguire.

Tired.
So freaking tired.
I slept in science. I slept in english. I slept in world civ. Nay, not sleep. I blacked out. I was awake, then I wasn't. People are mentioning disease and war. And somehow it's making me laugh. They were talking about disease today in science. Worms, clogging your intestines. And I was laughing. Horribly. I've become something odd in the past week. I see anger and I don't care. I smile at my own destruction. I forget to take strattera and cry, then i take a dose and want to cry, but can't. It's an unusual drug. The pill equivalent of ductaping ones mouth shut to stop screaming in pain. Gets the job done, but won't solve the problem or damp the urge to scream.
I need a therapist. But unfortunately mines busy.
Now I have to walk to tae kwon do. But I don't want to. Would they notice, If I took my bag with me, left it in a library or something and went somewhere else? Cut tae kwon do if you will?
I need my freedom back. Summer. When they don't care where I am.
I'm sick of routine. I'm sick of school.
What have I become?
"Pillows remind me of my therapist/especially when I'm beating them up."-Everything Reminds Me of my Therapist. Funny song.

I like blogging in the morning because I can blog w/e I forgot yesterday and also list random crap.
Heres the random crap list of stuff I marked favorable in corporate america.
Sobe Oolong tea
Sobe Nirvana
Starbucks Double Shot
Lime Tic Tacs
Clean and Clear Blackhead Clearing Astringent
Ductape
Disapearing ink
Tetherball, Olympic race, Sparkling, Tim Duncan.....

Applying to relentless imagination in 10th grade. It's an art mag that my bro used to work at until he, you know, got near graduating and all. Anyway, I would enjoy working there. 7 bucks an hour for art ain't half bad as far as I'm concerned. When I'm 16 I'm working at starbucks tho. No contest. I need to stop spending so much money on cofee and start proffiting from it. If I have two jobs, thats great. Then I'd be closer to car insurance.
Nooo i don't want to drive. But I need to. Grrrr.
Walter's bday. yay for him. He's free. I got 3 years..
Today's breakfast was brought to you by the letter T. Tacos and Tea. Mmm. Sometimes I need breakfast with flavor.
Gotta go to math clinic today. Mrs Beck is a miracle of science. How can somebody teach you a weeks worth of math in five minutes? She rocks my socks. I buy her a present at the end of every year. I owe her. She's gotten my butt out of so many jams..
I need to get my shite together in zucker's class or i will fail. I have a 54 now. Why o why do they put grades up so friggin EARLY.
Walter doesn't want do go out to dinner tonight (??QM??) curse him. I wanted out o my hizouse. Even if i'm w/ my family, that doesn't mean i have to clean up after their eating habits! Grrr.
I don't want to go to school. I've been so sick lately mindwise that all i've been fit to do is stare into the dark or lie down. So many teachers have asked me if something is wrong. And my parents. Or my mom asks. I can see that my dad knows, but he knows when not to ask and for that I am grateful.
It's difficult for me to deal w/ other people's emotions. I almost always know what they are but I never know how to handle it. Just remember, if you are sad, and I look sad, or I try to joke, it's because I know and I don't want to ask. It's the 'do unto others' box I need to shatter. I assume since I never want to be asked, no one else does either. But it turns out I'm just weird.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "-Groucho Marx.

Walter's 18th birthday is tommorow. He's going to leave this house so freaking fast..
My father understands me too well. He knows when somethings wrong. He knows when I'm lying. And best of all, he knows when I don't feel like talking. When people say they want to marry someone similar to one of their parents, they are often looked out funny. But I don't really care too much about funny looks. My mother is one of the luckiest people on the planet. I swear to god, i can't get truly mad at my father. When I get close to it, i break down crying. My dad never gets hurt by my remarks because he knows they aren't real and understands.
My mother however...
Sheesus. I want to be diplomatic and say I love both my parents the same. But I don't. I know in my heart I don't because when I say it, I know I'm lying. I know when I'm lying. I love my father more than my mother. They are both wonderful people, but I love my father more. And I can't tell my mother that. Every time I tell her that I love her just as much I feel like crap, because I know I'm lying to reasure her. But if lyings the only way, then I have to go through with it.
I'm delving too far into my imagination again. Any hypothetical situation that is horrible name it fire, death, drowning, suicide, rape, has been intricately played over in my mind without any effort. If you see me in class and my eyes are completely glazed over and expressions are flickering across my face, try to wake me up, because I'm not in my body. I am out somewhere worse. If you bring me back, i will be angry, but it's for my own good. Don't let me trance. And if you pull me out, don't ask me if i was trancing. My mind is gone. Why o why are there appointments. Seeing my old psycologist on may 6. So far away..i need her now..you can do so much destructive crap in a week.
"When you are working, a minute seems like a million years. When you are courting a nice girl, an hour seems like five minutes. That's relativity."-Albert Einstein. And you thought he didn't HAVE a social life..

So.
Odd night. After tacos and other mexican foods (go dad go). I walked for nearly and hour and a half. Barefoot. Wet grass is so amazing. The grass that is usually uncomftorble or painful has all smoothed down and become fluffy. The other grass is longer and growing better. I still had occasional paths of sidewalk to go over, but that was counteracted by cool mud, which is best of all.
I stopped over Ry's to drop off Carrie. The book I mean. I wan't carrying someone w/ me. Alison was there. Cool persons. I had to leave for darkness. Also something told me in my mind that I needed to leave. It's the diceroll you make when you appear somewhere without inviting yourself. Not the first time it's happened, won't be the last.
I felt strange as I was walking back home. It was dark. I couldn't enjoy the walk so it was a bit tedious. I needed to get home, which made the walk seem longer. The dark is interesting. I enjoy it when i can, but i usually am not very easy in it alone. The best dark I can be in is with my dad walking somewhere. He and I have a mutual understanding that silence doesn't necessarily mean that you don't have anything to say, or that you need conversation and can't make it. We can just sit in silence and it isn't uncomftorble. W'ere just together. That's all that matters. If i ever have a boyfriend (no time soon, i don't think anybody local wants to deal with this mess) I hope he would understand my need for silence on the same level. There really is no reason to make conversation all the time. Just presence should be enough.
I think I'm going slightly insane. Last night I started hallucinating. For real. I was in bed. I knew I was concious because I still felt my hand on my arm. But I kept seeing sunlight. And stairs. And faces. It was frightening and I was having issues going to sleep. I had a dream where I met a friend of my brother's named Bailey and we fell in love. I woke up and it wasn't true.
Going to a street fair w/ Marla today. My life slinks along.
"I am a goosegog in my own country."-Georgia, Knocked Out by my Nunga-Nungas.