I showed Master Kim my awards and he gave me even more awesome patches! I got a tiger, a star, and one that says "outstanding". The tiger is the coolest. Three trophies for the chort!
I feel sleepy and weird. I feel light inside. All these breakups going on around me, in and out of the blog circle are shaking my world. Things change so fast. Things i thought were stable in my world are shifting ever so rapidly. I feel very very empty. Like there should be a feeling there. But theres not. Its sickening.
I have a new drug in my life. It's name is Zulox. I thing. Zolux? Geez i need to remember what i'm on. Its for my intrusive thoughts and depression. Apparently it might give me a tummy ache. Uh-oh. I might gets a tummy-wummy ache. Oooo.
Well, i'm not feeling horrible. Sometimes i wonder which is worse-bad feeling or no feeling.
"When life gives you a dillema, make dillemonade."-Emily Quinn.

Awards ceremony.
I must resist bragging. I must. I mustimustimust I...FUCKING CAN'T :-D!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I gots me more plaque than a hoboe's teeth! Me even won the Englilish award ;-).
I got that presidents education thingie for getting over a 3.5 GPA, and they gave me a plaque for being president of Builder's club. No sweat. But I also got the PTO Achievement award, and the Excellent Achievement in English Award. I ended up with three plaques, a certificate, and a pin. Tooootally threw me the freak off guard. Mr Lennon said I was burning up the aisle *shrug*. So im on good terms w/ my folks now. Our family and Marley's family (Marley is my English Award sister, felicitations Mademoiselle Marley) went out for ice cream. My plaques are awful shiny. I made Gina Kim (the Honors Society student of the year :-D!!) laugh by fixing my hair using the award as a mirror. Good stuff man, good stuff. Nobody accuses hannah of being humble. I try not to be. It feels yucky when I brag too much. But theres only so many times when you can wave your own banner. Mine says "I have shiny engraved things!". Who knows. The next time i get something with my name engraved on it, it could be my tombstone. Might as well live in the moment.
Someone dropped their ice cream on the ground and I picked it up. Im quite the good samaritan.
"Hahaha what kind of loser wins the PTO award!"-Me, before the ceremony reading the program. ehehehehe SHUT UP ALL OF YOU.

My brain let out a piece yesterday. I've read it over a few times. It makes sense. In so many ways it does. It also shows that i'm very fearful of speaking certain specific truths. Many would tell one to let it all out. But if some people knew what it actually was, they'd also know it wasn't the right time. It's never the right time. I need to think on this hypothetically.
I can't type it hypothetically. It's too close to the glaring truth. I'm being annoyingly vague, yes. But when it comes down to it i know i'm doing the right thing. Wait a month. I can wait a month. This isn't something i should type here, but i need it to be here to soften the blow when the bomb drops. But maybe then will it be too late?
Garrrrgh.
Some cute pics of me and Bartle in formal circulating now. Mr Lennon made a powerpoint of formal pictures of kids in my class. One was me. He put a talk bubble out my mouth that said "World Civ Is My Life!!!!!!!". I believe I am a rubbertree. Somehow that seemed appropriate. Random as it is, it will be my new middle name.
Hannah. Rubbertree. Sutin.
Again, apologize for my vagueness. I need time to sit.
Wow that rubbertree thing is inspiring a song. I will write one. Been far too long since i've written me a good anthem to sing.
Quite like a rubbertree/ bouncin out all this shit off me/
Ooo gold.
"I find it in bad taste to eat anything thats Jesus"-Getrude Hawk campaigner against the chocolate crucifixes for easter. Obviously he doesn't take communion...

Time to freewrite.

So what the fuck am i doing again? ahhh crazines.s Typing with my eyes closed. Who knows what i'm saying. Typing with my eyes closed so i don't see my words and want to erase them Don't want to cry this time. Can't keep another thought back. Somehow i have to keep going. so much i don't say. so much i need to say. So much that doesn't make sense.
should you have to solve every problem you have? I certainly hope not. Because I have a problem i can solve. But speaking it would create so many things that i can't name. hell consequences oo if only i was just free from it i could fly away, but i know. Free floating anxiety versus a problem that is so specific and glaring but so painful to solve. I know what i could do. I could just say it. Say "xxxxxxxxxxxxxx". thats all i would need. Have all the suspicion and shock wash over me and just sit through it like a rock in the tide. Tehn it would be over. I could be free. I could run far away and never come home. It would take one sentence. The once i've said a thousand times and always lied on explaining its meaning. I'd be gone. So far gone. swallowing the can of worms and spitting it out mangled ahahahaha oo how it kills me, makes me scream and giggle that he does't know..nobody knows..they'll never know because it will never be right to tell ahahahahasee it gone, see the pain fly away.
I desire someone just as crazy as me to scream at me and beat me into hell, then i do it back and we both lie down together bruised and bloody and cry. Together. Thats all i need. two wrongs will make my right. If only i knew what the hell i was talking about and getting myself into.

Venting comes in many silly forms.
"But you're the one in the way of the day of/ doom, baby/ if you need my shame to reclaim your pride"-Fiona Apple.

Went to the beach w/ Marley for an overnight fun. Lots of sand and fun in the clouds. And cold water. Swam w/ laura. I'm crazy, but shes crazier. At least i was wearing clothes. La had a bikini. (??QM??). Anyway i gots some seafood and a waitress that thought i was hi larious.
I could type more, but i really don't feel like it.
"I'm crying under my tears!"-I was in the car, but i don't really remember the context.